Sins of the Flesh

foodbe4thought

May 31

I had a dream last night that I was lying on my back, my hands running over my stomach and gravitating to my hip bones. I can still recall the flatness of my stomach and sharp edges of my hip bones vividly and was disappointed when I awoke and reached for my body but was met with too much flesh.

I went home two weekends ago and was determined not to gain weight. The last time I went home, I managed to lose 10lbs. the week before. Yet, I managed to gain back all 10lbs. in a matter of three days at home. I suppose old habits die hard....going back to the place where I hit rock bottom plenty of times and where my eating disorder blossomed and evolved is never going to be easy.

This time, I worked myself to the bone and tried to eat as little as possible. I woke up early and choked down a coffee with some cereal before slathering myself in sunscreen and headed out the door. I was averaging close to 25,000 steps a day and busting my ass but I splurged my calories in the evenings, the only meal I allowed myself to have.

The comments from my mother assaulted my ears one night when my step dad bought Aloo Gobi curry for my mother and I. My mother was determined to only eat half (bitch ate about a quarter) announcing her decision to the room as if she was trying to keep herself accountable. I scoffed and said "I'm not" while I dumped the entire contents onto a plate...my ravenous energy had amounted to tunnel vision. With the curry at the forefront, my hunger took complete control over the function of my hands like a marionet. My mother glanced at my plate, "I'm not judging...that's an honest appetite" she exclaimed and I wanted to slap her with a piece of naan bread.

The entire contents of the fridge were recited to me practically every hour on the hour. I kept hearing "Don't forget to eat this" or "I bought this specifically for you, you should have some" despite my mother eating like a bird. She lived off a cup of coffee with a measly container of yogurt for breakfast, barely anything for lunch (I literally had to drag her inside at noon for a break where she would only have a small biscuit and a large glass of water) and then a small portion of what everyone else was eating. If I wasn't home, she wouldn't have even taken a break in the afternoon and continued to work outside until it go dark.

I was having a few issues with my knee while we worked and I let her know that my knee had been acting up recently. Her response was that it must be my diet, which was the same response when I told her my skin was shit (post "shark week" + re-applying sun = bad skin). I thought it was rather ironic coming from the same woman who exclaimed "I only eat one meal a day and that's great" when she was going on about her own diet. Its terribly ironic that people automatically assume that when you become vegetarian or vegan, your diet is incomplete...which is a fair assumption when the notion of eating meat for every meal and the "importance" of dairy for strong bones was shoved down our throats the minute we were able to understand the food pyramid. As if their own diets are more superior...not that I'm defending my own diet. I'm aware its shit, I just hate people telling me that there's something wrong with being vegetarian/vegan when I eat more vegetables in a day than they do in an entire week.

I think I only gained about 3lbs when I got home and weighed in, which isn't bad but it wasn't expected. I don't know if it was muscle or what but the fact that I gained despite working like crazy and barely eating was frustrating.

I'm still in a strange place, work is even more stressful now that I have to babysit four summer students. One of them is lovely and I don't need to worry so much about but I have one student overstepping and doing shit that he isn't qualified to do because he thinks he knows everything (I got major trust issue with this fucker, especially on the weekends when I'm not there to supervise). Another student is constantly slacking off and tries to "shoot his shot" with the lovely student who is too nice to tell him to fuck off (kid can't take a hint). This kid is also a bit overbearing too, he doesn't follow direction well and sometimes takes it upon himself to do shit that he wasn't asked to do (almost ruined shit at work because he thought he knew what he was doing but his execution was horrible). The last student just started and I can already tell he is going to cause issues. Needless to say, I haven't been getting as much work done which has caused me to take work home inevitably eating into my sleep time. This past weekend, I worked 21 hours just on work alone to try and get caught up. This was "undercover work" (aka working off the clock and not getting paid) mind you.

The stress is fucking with my food intake too. I graze/binge when I'm stressed or I work so much I survive on protein bars and coffee (always leads to a binge when I finally pull myself away from work). The end of the month is approaching, I'm hoping for good things in June.

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