Homecoming

The first sentence out of my mother's mouth when I came home two weekends ago was "you've lost weight!". I looked down at the oversized denim shirt I was wearing that previously belonged to my father. It hid most of my body. I simply shrugged off her comment because I didn't want the conversation to become an interrogation. That being said, I couldn't help but notice the huge smile on her face.....I hated how proud I felt.

For the first few days at home, I managed to get away with just eating dinner. I didn't even have to try that hard to get out of eating...I merely kept myself busy with wedding plans to the point of exhaustion. However, the last two days that I was home, I felt a ravenous hunger come over me and I couldn't stop eating...

I'll admit that I was more of the Hermione Granger type in school. Granted, I tended to keep to myself and blend into the background rather than upstage my classmates. The downside is that this demeaner attracted bullies and those who wanted to feel more superior by belittling others.

My Brother's Wedding

I try not to think about all the times I missed school by faking sick because I couldn't handle the incessant bullying. I also try not to think about the hours wasted locked in my room, eating my feelings...the only way to comfort myself. By the end of High school, I had gained a significant amount of weight and wore clothes to camouflage myself. My hair was long and frizzy and I used it to hide my face. That was probably his last image of me...

At my brother's wedding, one of his friends approached me. I took a step back when he walked towards me, unsure how he was going to greet me: a handshake, a fist pump or a hug? He seemed confused and pointed to himself, "it's me, D_____". I stared at him blankly, like I was in a dream "I know who you are" I said coolly stiffening as he hugged me. He used to live across the street from my old house and I pined for him in so many ways. We were classmates and unfortunately, I was the target of many of his jokes. He made cruel jokes about my appearance and despite the harsh words, I followed him around like a puppy. I had all but forgotten this as I tended to focus on those who were more persistent.

But I saw the way he looked at me, it felt like that moment from She's All That when Lanny walks down the stairs in that red dress. Even as we stood outside and watched my brother and his new wife deliver their speeches, I could see from the corner of my eye that he was staring at me, watching my facial expressions.

Later that night, he turned to me and said "What's that Angelina Jolie movie?"....I couldn't quite follow his drunken train of thought and replied "Mr. & Mrs. Smith?" to which he added "no, the one with the horns"....Malificent. "Yeah, that dress is really sexy" and I had to remind myself that he had a girlfriend and was a little more than three sheets to the wind at that point. The dress in question was more align with Morticia Adams. It was a floor length black lace dress that hugged my waist and showed off my hourglass shape. I had so many compliments throughout the night but his was the only one that stuck.

I had dreamed about this moment for so long. I wanted him to like me...that's why I put up with his incessant bullying and teasing. Little girls are often so mislead. They are told that when a boy is mean to them it means they really like them. I took this to heart and I think it's why I allowed so many boys to treat me like shit.

After the Wedding

I couldn't bring myself to weigh in when I got home, instead I restricted and threw myself into work. I don't know if the ADHD medication is having the same appetite suppressant side effect anymore which scares me. My 30 day consultation is coming up soon and I worry that I won't be able to get a higher dose of the medication. My anxiety has been really bad lately and I'm scared that at a higher dose if will be even worse...but the need to be thin is hard to ignore.

UPDATE: I wasn't able to get an appointment with my Doctor before the prescription ran out and was told by the Secretary to contact the Pharmacy and they would fax a request to my Doctor to renew the medication. I accidently mentioned the anxiety, which isn't frequent but has been present a few times in the last few weeks. I mentioned that it felt like heart palpitations and she told me she would tell the Doctor. I kept re-iterating my story but trying not to make it seem so serious for fear she would take me off the medication.

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