This post is written as a family member of someone with cancer who has their own mental illness to deal with alongside the cancer of their loved one. Please be aware some content may be triggering. Please take care 💚

In the last couple of months we have had a couple of birthdays to "celebrate". I use the term loosely as they've been a little traumatic. We also have a couple coming up so I think they will also, possibly be difficult.

The first birthday was my own. And all through it I couldn't stop thinking that I could soon(ish) be having them without my mum. I don't know how many more she will be around for. If the life expectancy they gave is accurate, I may only get one more with her. Even writing this I'm crying. I hate my birthday as it is but to have her gone would make it even worse. You surely, if your mum has been with you all along, can't think of your birthday without thinking of your mum. She's the reason you have a birthday. And she likes to tell me the same stories about my birth every year. That would be gone with her.

So my birthday felt hard in many ways. Mum was determined to make sure it was good as she didn't want her chemo to have an impact on the day. To be honest it meant I could have the quiet day I like so that worked out for me and her. I have put the birthday card from her and dad aside as I'm scared it will be the last I get with her handwriting on.

Next came Mum's birthday. Blimey that was tough. Not only was I thinking the same as I had for my own birthday, for hers. But she was thinking it could be one of her last. That she might only get another one. That was hard to see. The fear she was feeling went through me. I understand the fear when you're not finished with living. As someone who is repeatedly suicidal I think I'd still be scared of dying and especially the way cancer takes you.

With mum we had many tears on her birthday, understandably. Also she wants to get her state pension so we were saying we've got to do at least another two to get her to sixty six. That's our aim. Our reason to keep fighting. Because we are fighting this as a family. We all feel it.

Coming up we have my dad and my nan's - my mum's mum - birthdays. Again difficult as they are the close family. That's it the four of us. Yes we have extended family, but this party of four is my main nuclear family, even though my nan lives separately she is still in there. How will we cope when it becomes 3? Or as my nan will be 95, 2? It's all very scary. What about when it's just me?

So yes birthdays passing are a cause for celebration as we meet more milestones but they also feel like a countdown to the inevitable passing of mum. They are not something I'm looking forward too anymore. I know this is quite a sombre idea but this is our reality. Cancer sucks!

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