Three times during phone calls this past week, I ended up in discussions with friends about their dealings with insensitive people. You know who they are, those people who seem perfectly at ease saying the most insensitive or inappropriate things directly to your face. I know I have experienced such exchanges, one happened just the other day. I was having a conversation with a health care worker regarding the odd synchronicity of the fact Dale is suffering from lung cancer and three years ago my significant other of twenty years, Rick, passed away from the exact same disease. To add to the common threads, Dale has the same oncologist as Rick had, and this was the nurse on staff when he was sick. Instead of offering some sort of supportive or uplifting comment one might expect from a health care provider, the woman said to me, "Boy, I wouldn't stand in line to date you." Really? Well guaranteed you wouldn't be on the top of my list of candidates either. Wow.

Another friend of mine was telling me about a woman she recently attended a luncheon with. The woman was attempting to scoop salsa out of a container sitting on the table between the two of them. Since it was much closer to my friend, by way of a helpful gesture, she turned the dish around and moved it in the other woman's direction so it would be easier for her to reach. Instead of simply saying, "thank you", the woman said, "You know, I'm perfectly capable of managing this by myself." Uhhhhh, you're welcome. Perhaps there is some truth to the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished."

I had a relative relate an experience she had last week when she went into tony skincare store to take advantage of an advertised facial special. This is the kind of place where you can pick up a jar of callus cream for just under $200, you could buy at CVS in less sophisticated packaging for $14.95. Have you noticed the sales women working in these types of businesses are always impeccably pulled together? Each hair on their heads is expertly coifed, lips perfectly shaded and lined, with not one eyelash out of place. I try to avoid going into such establishments at all costs. Largely because my allergies don't do well with the mishmash of overwhelming fragrances assaulting my nostrils once inside, but also because my K-Mart flip flops and Maybelline eye shadow might not be welcomed there. Depressing. At any rate, my friend explained to the flawless woman behind the counter the reason for her visit was the advertised facial. A well manicured finger pointed my friend towards a chair in front of a mirror where she was instructed to remain while the lady retrieved what she referred to as her "tool kit" from the other room. Shortly, the woman returned with a store apron in place, carrying a tray of armory and began an overall inspection of my friends face. As her fingers moved along her skin, she threw in a lot of "hmmmm's" and "oh dears" for good measure. When done, she said, "Wow, your skin is so dry it's like boot leather. I think you'd better upgrade to our complete skin care treatment rather than settling for the less aggressive treatment listed in the ad." Was this the approach suggested in the "welcome to the company brochure"? My friend picked up her handbag, and like Elvis left the building.

Everyone seems mad at everyone else of late. Thoughtfulness, kindness, and generosity, in spite of all the anger being tossed around, should not be allowed to go out of style. Dale is really my guide in this territory. When out in public, the man has never met a person he didn't call friend. By the time we leave a store people are calling him by name and he has engaged in conversations with half the strangers in the aisles. Always on meeting a new person he asks their name and then introduces himself to them. At first I was a little put off by this, but I have to say I have watched unfriendly, outwardly unapproachable, people warm up once he performs his magic on them. It's a gift he has for interaction and communication that should be taught in school.

God knows, I have been known to trip over my own loose lips a time or two. There were several lessons, when it came to engaging in conversations with strangers, I learned early on. The first, never presume any female you do not know to be pregnant, ever. I recall going into a boutique store to do some shopping many years ago. A pleasant sales lady came up to greet me and welcome me to the store. After I had selected several items to try on, the woman suggested starting a fitting room for me. After carrying on a friendly exchange for several minutes, I noticed her well rounded stomach and assumed she must be pregnant. You know the old saying about assume, "makes an ass out of you and me". I asked when the baby was due. Wrinkling her forehead in confusion she said "what baby"? I didn't even bother to stay to try on the clothes I had picked out. Sigh.

Lesson two, if you do not know a person you are dealing with stick with the standard conversation carriers like weather or general commentary. Never assume who the players are until you have been handed a game roster. In the 1980's I applied for, and got, a job working for the general manager of a large aluminum can manufacturer. Although I didn't know it at the time working, Alan, my new boss, a man in his late forties, was busy entertaining a full blown mid-life crisis. I should have realized this by the flashy red sports car parked in the GM spot in the employee parking lot, the poorly crafted toupee perched precariously over the bald spot on the top of his head, the personal gym in the room behind his office, or just his general demeanor of trying to exude youth and vigor. The second week after I was hired, I was informed it was to be my job to organize the company picnic. This included locating a suitable venue, hiring a caterer, and organizing activities for the employees and their families to engage in while at the event. For some reason, all my working career I ended up being tasked with these functions. Though usually not in my job description, I never minded at all. Event planning was a lot less dry than typing memos or transcribing dictation. I'm glad it kept falling under my ubrella, because as it turned out, this background came in extremely handy when Rick and I bought the restaurant and one of the titles under my name was Catering and Event Planner. Sometimes, life guides you in the right direction, even if you don't understand where you're going at the time you are going there. But, I digress. As the days passed the event plans began to form up nicely. I found an available Saturday open at a local park with areas set up for large events such as ours, surrounding a huge man-made lake. After tasting samples from five or six vendors, "B.J. The Barbecue Guy" was chosen to provide ribs, chicken, and "the fixin's", as he referred to them, for the three hundred employees and their wives and families who had answered yes to the invitation email. Yay.

Alan, informed me he would be bringing his wife and two daughters as well as his mother-in-law, who apparently lived with them to kept an eye on things when Alan and his wife were at work. Sounded good to me. I was more concerned with B.J. providing enough potato salad for the swelling guest list or that the activities I planned were well received. When the big day arrived, I got there to early to make sure everything was going as discussed. People began arriving in droves. While I was greeting and organizing people, Alan showed up next to me with his wife and one of his girls. I introduced myself to his wife and daughter by turning to the older of the two women and extending my hand saying, "Hi, I'm Susie, you must be Alan's wife, and then turning to the younger girl and saying, "and you must be Sarah (Alan's oldest daughter)". It got quiet. What? Doing I quick inspection of myself I didn't notice anything out of order. Did I have potato salad on my sleeve? Suddenly two little girls ran up to the group, the oldest of which was coincidentally also named Sarah. Hmmmmm. Yup. The teenager in the shorts with the perfect abs was actually the Mrs. and the older lady (and by older I mean early forties) was Alan's mother-in-law. Oh-oh. Sorry. That marriage would have been illegal in some states. I'm just saying. Having stepped up to the altar four times myself, who am I to make a judgement call when it comes to marriage choices?

One friend told me she wished when confronted with someone with no filters on their thoughts or mouth, she had said, "Do you have any idea how offensive I am finding what you just said to me?" Wouldn't that be great? I'm guessing in practice if we all said what we were really thinking, rather than what is the PC response to say, our list of friends and acquaintances might dwindle down to the mailman and the lady behind the prescription counter, and even those two relationships might be tenuous.

I guess what I'm saying is, it is better to think before opening your mouth and saying something potentially hurtful to the recipient. Though telling the truth is a good way to live your life in most cases, perhaps in some instances it is better to keep your opinion to yourself and spare someone the benefit of your keen insight. A little kindness is never inappropriate or offensive. I wonder sometimes why people feel the need to say something unpleasant. Is it that they don't think about the words passing over their lips, that they don't care, or worse yet it is intentional? Wouldn't it be better, even if you have a snarky or mean thought, to think it, acknowledge it (to yourself not the world), and then dismiss it as not helpful or necessary?

Peaceful thoughts......

Mindfulness is a concept that is running around the flagpole a lot recently. Basically, it's being in the present moment or "in the now" as it is sometimes stated. Being aware of your feelings, thoughts and emotions but dealing with them in a calm, almost distant way, rather than being overly reactive. I like this quote about the practice of mindfulness from the Greater Good Magazine, Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens. Makes me feel peaceful, and that is the point of the exercise. Very zen.

My plan, though not always possible, is to surround myself with upbeat, supportive people. They don't have to share my views, but do need to acknowledge my right to have them, and I will extend the same courtesy to them. People who see the best in me, and are not intent on highlighting the worst. Friendship should run like a commuter train, sometimes going one way, and other times the other.

With many storms brewing around me these days, I try hard to concentrate on not worrying about tomorrow or wishing yesterday to be different, and simply being where I am right now this exact minute and milking this time for all it's worth. I wish you a great moment, an excellent day, a second to stop and ponder what you are about to say and evaluate if it is valuable or worth expressing. One happy day on toast for me is all I need right now, that's all I'm saying

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